Scrivener.net

If you're going to flash the cameras, don't be cheap with the surgeon.

"I'm known as this retard . . . I want to grow up. I don't want to be the drunk girl," laments actress Tara Reid to the NY Post's Page Six.

This after happily if unwittingly showing off her bare breast to photographers in all directions at P. Diddy's "celeb-studded 35th birthday bash" -- which is bound to help in her quest, eh?

And it gets better. Lest anyone think Page Six sets the bounds of trash gossip in the Post, the tabloid runs a full inside story critiquing the visible scars...

What about those gross purple scars? ... Reid should demand her money back. In fact, she probably didn't spend enough.

So say cosmetic docs contacted by The Post, who examined the photos of the "American Pie" star's marred mammaries.

"I use that [incision] under protest," said NYC plastic surgeon Dr. Z. Paul Lorenc, pointing to the obvious marks surrounding the nipple. He said doctors usually avoid such problems by inserting implants from underneath the breast or through the armpit - or even through the navel.

Lorenc was mystified by Reid's red carpet reveal. "I hope this woman knows what she's doing," he said. "I feel bad for her. It doesn't look like she really cared."

Dr. Eric Sedat, who's in practice on the Upper East Side, was also perplexed...

Now that's intrepid reporting! "Jimmy, Lois, get these pictures of Tara's boob scars right out to Dr. Zitzmore for comment in the early edition. Where the heck is Clark...?"

New York's other tabloid, the Daily News, adds its own little touch...

Her former beau Carson Daly showed up sometime later.

"We were wondering whether we should show him," said the snapper. "But I said, 'He's not going to recognize those breasts anyway.'"

Note: This picture is from the Times of India, it's a better one than any of the NY papers had. Are the readers of the Times of India really so interested in Tara Reid? It seems so -- and also in Shania Twain, Britney, Hugh and Jemina, Michael Moore, Michael Jackson ... I never would have guessed.

Noted: Breast implants can be inserted "through the navel"? Gee -- who says reading the gossip pages isn't educational?

Comment: One of this blog's horde of readers e-mails, "We don't give them enough credit for how much they suffer for our amusement."

Update for Tara Reid hunters: I've gotten so many hits on this one post you've almost convinced me to open a porn sight. If you're really so eager to see her bare scarred boob in close up detail, go to AwfulPlasticSurgery.com for that and other horror stories of the damned. Be ashamed of yourself and have a good time.