Friday, August 26, 2005

“President Bush is numb when he isn't panic stricken,” confided close adviser “KR.”...


By Dick Siegel

Washington, DC-A secret report presented to President Bush from his friends in the oil industry contains a stunning revelation: the world supply of oil will be completely used up in just six months.

The top-secret report -- Globe Uses Last Petrol, or GULP -- revealed that while there may be untapped reserves, they are shallow and virtually inaccessible.

“The earth is effectively dry,” agreed that South American Oil chief Juan V. Cruz. “When you visit our wells all you hear is a terrible gurgling sound -- like sipping a straw and an empty milk container.”

Head of the Middle Eastern Oil Consortium, Petra Jardeen, confided, “We are accustomed to the relocation of oil reserves due to occasional geological shifts, “ she said. “But we have never encountered anything like this. I am printing my résumé as we speak.”

While the end of the road has come as a shock to some, others are not surprised.

“For more than a century, fossil fuels have fostered Civilization, kept us warm at night and powered our automobiles and planes,” Swiss economic analyst M. T. Taanke told the Weekly World News in an exclusive interview.

“But the end really began 70 years ago when lawnmowers and then bigger lawnmowers started running on oil, when mechanical plows replaced ox teams, when cars and aircraft got bigger. The oil companies encouraged these developments, hastening their own demise.

“Remember the gas crisis of the 1970s?” M. T. Taanke asked. “That did severe damage to the bottom line of every industry on earth. It even hastened the end of the LP, since records were made of vinyl-a petroleum product. But while we knew we were being gouged, that there would be long lines at the pump, we also knew the drought would end. We weren't heading for an apocalyptic Planet of the Apes future. Not this time.”

The GULP report states that there will be a global depression that will be devastating beyond belief.

“What Weekly World News boldly described in its June 6 edition will only be the start,” said Wall Street economist Alan Redbridge. “By the early fall gas stations around the world will be rationing gas. Then, one by one, they will shutter their pumps for ever.”

“Riots will erupt in the streets of the oil-producing nations,” Redbridge went on. “Forget wars of ideology. People will be fighting for food and water. Millions will starve.

“The makers of hybrid cars will begin churning out automobiles as fast as possible -- but only one in 30 people will have the money to buy one. And their lives will be in danger from carjackers every time they go on the road. For most people cars will be replaced by bicycles. But that's just the start. It will be no way to get goods from plants or farm to the consumer. Cities and villages will become isolated, forced to become self-sufficient and ruled by mayors turned warlords.

“Non-nuclear power stations will be forced to shut down,” Redbridge went on. “Electricity will be rationed. There will be a rush on coal, but most people will have no heat in the winter and no air conditioning in the summer.

“All of this will happen by the first quarter of 2006. By the summer, civilization as we know it will have crumbled.”

“President Bush is numb when he isn't panic stricken,” confided close adviser “KR.” “His entire political agenda, including the war in Iraq, has been driven by favors to his Texas oil pals. Now what?”

Hoping to keep his own buddies afloat, Vice President Dick Cheney and his team have begun crash programs for industrial firms like Halliburton to develop solar powered resources or hydrogen based fuels (through their Hindenburg subsidiary).

Weekly World News has also learned of -- and is currently investigating -- government plans for sail-driven cars.

A few small, entrepreneurial firms -- motivated by genuine concern, not profit -- are working on smaller solutions.

"We're building some windmills," said Skye Willow, CEO of Earth Friendly Stuff. "Coastal and mountain areas with access to wind will be able to generate clean power. Homes near rivers will be able to use our new order mills.

"It's a long overdue return to basics," Ms. Willow chastened. "Unfortunately, our products are handmade so we can only produce one mill every two days. It'll take, like, 200 million days to produce one for everyone in America. Still, it's a start."

"It's going to get ugly," Taanke concluded. "By this time next year we will be happy to have effective leadership of any kind, even apes."

Weekly World News 8/22/05.